


Fall in Love, At Least Once

by servantofclio



Series: Zoe Ryder [5]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 14:25:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10618791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/servantofclio/pseuds/servantofclio
Summary: After seeing some of her father's memories, Ryder desperately needs a hug.Spoilers for "Ryder Family Secrets."





	

Zoe Ryder takes the tram back from _Hyperion_ to the docks in a daze.

She will never get over the strangeness of seeing herself through her father’s eyes. How she looks short next to Zach, how she recognizes her hair as a little different, how her dad instantly likens the shape of her jaw and nose to her mother’s.

Seeing how young and vivid she looks next to her mother.

Zoe remembers that day herself, a memory scabbed over but quick to bleed if she picks at it. How thin Mom had gotten, her skin faded and drawn over her bones as she quivered with tremors she couldn’t control any more.

How lost Dad had looked. His memories didn’t show Zoe that; that came from her own. Her big tough dad had been lost and shaking himself, as he’d taken Mom’s hand, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. She can’t remember if she’d ever seen her father cry before that. She’d walked away -- she and Zach both had -- partly to give their parents a last few moments alone, and partly because that raw, tender tide of affection was almost too much to look at.

Back when Zoe was maybe six or seven, she’d gone to her mother and asked if her parents were getting a divorce.

Mom turned away from her screen instantly, staring at Zoe with wide eyes. “No, of course not,” she said. “Why would you ever think that, honey?”

Zoe squirmed under the weight of her mother’s gaze. “Well, Dad’s not around that much, so…”

Mom looked relieved for a moment before she laughed. “Is that all? Oh, Zoe, no. I know your father’s been on assignment a lot. It’s just part of the job. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, or you, or your brother, or that I don’t love him. I miss him all the time, but he’s a marine, and my work is here.”

“It doesn’t make you sad when he’s gone?” Zoe asked.

“It does a little bit,” Mom said, letting Zoe climb into her lap. “But you know what? In some ways that just makes seeing him again all the sweeter. We love each other very much, and we love you and your brother just as much.”

Zoe hadn’t understood back then, not really. She’d been too little. She understood it better now, with the sweet-sharp pain of those memories clinging to her.

She’d noticed, after that, that her parents hugged and kissed each other a lot, and that they always smiled when the other one walked into a room. Dad had been posted to the Citadel not long after that, so he’d been around a lot more. By the time Zoe was fifteen, her parents’ displays of affection had been more embarrassing than anything else, but Mom had always laughed when Zoe groaned about it, and Dad would just give Mom another kiss on the cheek.

And then Mom had gotten sicker, and Dad -- Dad had stepped up, and been there in a way he’d never been there when Zoe was younger. Been there for Mom, anyway; between taking care of her and his research, he still hadn’t had a ton of time for his kids. But after seeing the way he took care of her, the way he looked at her even when she was at her sickest, Zoe could never doubt for a moment how much they’d loved each other.

He’d fought so hard to save Mom. Years. More than a decade, and he’d broken laws and thrown away his career to do it. And that was the day he’d finally failed.

Like a chain reaction, juggling two sets of memories of that day awakens more. Zoe remembers her Dad looking down at her on Habitat 7, while she fought to hold her breath. The memory’s blurry from oxygen deprivation and panic, but she remembers him standing tall and imposing in his dark armor, blazoned with N7 stripes he wasn’t supposed to wear any more.

She wonders what she’d see if she could see that moment through his eyes.

Through SAM, Zoe doesn’t just see what Dad saw; what he felt about it clings to the memories, phantom grief and love that twines with her own, differently shaded, but there.

And Mom’s words -- the last words she’d ever said to her children. Only about a year ago, give or take six centuries, and Zoe had almost forgotten. Hearing them again brings them home.

_And remember -- fall in love, at least once._

Hunched over in the tram car, Zoe scrubs at her leaky eyes and nose and firms her jaw so she can walk through the docks without looking like a wreck. Fuck only knows what kind of public panic that would set off.

 _I am, though_ , she thinks, walking back to _Tempest_ ’s dock on autopilot. Automatically, she waves at a couple of angara, dodges a human with an armload of boxes, skirts around a couple more humans having an intense conversation about what fresh fruit they miss most. _I’ve got it bad._

That day, standing by Mom’s bedside, the possibility had seemed so far-off and distant. Then, Zoe had had her share of dates and flings and crushes, plus a couple relationships that lasted a few months apiece, but she’d never _fallen in love_. Not the way Mom seemed to mean.

Inevitably, her feet take her to the lower decks.

Which is a risk. Liam might have taken off for Vortex or something, but she’d been pretty clear when they docked that they were only here for a few hours, to resupply and run a couple errands. No more than that.

She guesses right, though, or she’s lucky, because Liam’s planted on the couch, half an eye on a vid and another on the datapad in his hand. He looks up when he sees her and starts to break into a smile. “Hey, Pathfinder –“ His smile cracks and disappears. “What’s wrong?”

Great. She must look awful to get a reaction like that. Zoe tries on a smile herself, though she feels it wavering. She wraps her arms around herself, tucking her hands under her arms. “Nothing. I mean, nothing big. Not a mission or anything. It’s, um… SAM can sort of feed me some of my dad’s memories sometimes.”

“Yeah, you mentioned.” He gets up, looking concerned.

Zoe takes a deep breath. “Well… today that happened, and the memory was… the day my mom died.”

Liam stares at her for a second, eyes wide. “Damn. No wonder you look like shit.”

She frowns, about to tell him what she thinks of that remark, but he’s already reaching out, tapping her shoulder, and she lets him pull her in.  

This is exactly the hug she wanted, solid and sheltering. When she turns her head to tuck it against his chest, she can feel his breath on her hair and the steady rhythm of his heart under her ear. “Sorry,” he says. “Didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s okay,” she says, muffled. Lets herself lean into him a little and wrap her own arms loosely around his waist. Grateful beyond words just to be held for a little while.

“It must be weird, seeing all that again,” Liam says after a bit, and adds hastily, “Sorry. Don’t have to talk about it.”

“No, it’s… it’s okay.” She tightens her grip for a second and then lets go, a little reluctantly. Liam doesn’t quite release her; he leaves an arm over her shoulders as she keeps talking. “It is. Super weird. I mean, I remember my own stuff, and then I’m looking at it again, the way he saw it. Even how he saw me.”

“Seriously?” Liam chuckles faintly. “That’s beyond weird.”

“I know. But Mom…” Her throat clogs, and she has to swallow down a lump of grief. “It wasn’t even that long ago, you know? Okay, it was six hundred years ago, but it wasn’t that long ago. She’d been sick for a long time, but I still wasn’t ready.”

“I get that.” He steers her toward the couch, gently, and they sink down into it side by side. He’s still got an arm around her shoulders. “Your mum must have been a pretty spectacular lady.”

“She was.” Zoe wonders if she’ll ever get over that word _was_ , instead of _is_. “She was so smart, you have no idea. Dad always said if any of us had half her brains we’d be doing pretty well. And she was always so generous. My dad…” That sticks, too. She swallows again. “Well, you met my dad. He wasn’t always the best with people. He was gone a lot when I was little, and he was busy a lot. But Mom always found time, even when she was busy. She was just…” She falters. It’s too hard to put into words what it was like, basking in the steady, warm glow of her mother’s attention and affection. How she always acted like whatever her kids wanted to share with her was the most interesting thing in the world, no matter what was happening on her work console. “She was just the best.”

“I get that,” Liam says quietly. “Losing them sucks.”

She laughs, creakily, blinking the extra tears out of her eyes. “Yeah, it does. Sorry. It’s hard to talk about.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Mm.” The vid on the screen keeps going, silenced. It looks like some kind of adventure-romance from the way the asari and the turian keep exchanging glances between firefights. Zoe lets her eyes wander over the images while she leans on Liam’s shoulder.

 _Fall in love, at least once_.

She is so not ready to say it. Not now, when she’s all raw wounds and memories, when the way her parents adored each other is fresh in her mind. To tell the truth, she doesn’t want to risk interrupting this quiet moment with A Talk About Feelings, subsections a) Do You Feel The Same Way? b) Are We A Thing Now? and c) So What Does This Mean For The Future?

It’s enough to feel it.

 _I think you’d like him, Mom_ , she thinks. _I hope so, anyway_.

Zoe will never be able to take her boyfriend home to meet her parents. She’ll never be able to meet his, either. They signed on for a new galaxy and a new life, and that was his price.

Not being able to go home to meet her parents is a mixed blessing, though. Dad might have hired Liam onto the Pathfinder team, but God only knows what he would have said to a significant other. Mom…

Mom would have been fine. Mom wanted Zoe to be happy and satisfied, and she would have welcomed anyone, of any gender or species, who made her that way.

As for Dad… even getting glimpses of his memories, Zoe’s not sure she really understands her Dad, or what he wanted for her.

  
But the one thing she knows with absolute certainty is that he wanted her to live.


End file.
